So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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