why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
