Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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