I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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