So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
