Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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