you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize