areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize