Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
