A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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