well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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