i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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