I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
