Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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