there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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