my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
