Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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