I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize