Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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