She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
