New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
