sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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