remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
