Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
