My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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