The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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