i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize