You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
