I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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