We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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