he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
