Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
