I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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