How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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