When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
