I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
