Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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