I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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