her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize