the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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