On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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