Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize