Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
