Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
