My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
