Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
