is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
