I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
