hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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