he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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