my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
