if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
