I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
