What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize