he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
