apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You pole danced in your parka.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
