Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
