you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
