Where did you get a picture of my penis
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
