omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
