My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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