I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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