when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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