My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
