You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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