i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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