Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
