When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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